Soul Possession
scenic sea vista. Two figures are on top of a cliff. Xena and Joxer look over the edge at the sea. Xena has a vase. Joxer says, why don't we just destroy it? And tries to tear a scroll apart. Xena says Ares made it, only Ares can destroy it. It's a binding contract. Joxer wraps the contract in another scroll to further disguise it. Xena asks Joxer to wish her luck. He does. Xena dives into the water. Present day: Divers emerge, vase in hand. At a press conference for C.H.A.K.R.A.M. (Center for the Historical Accuracy of Key Research in Ancient Mythology) the hostess gets everyone's attention. Dr. Delaney comes to the mike. He announces a revolutionary discovery. Two women burst into the press conference. They are Xena fans. One of them says, "Rob Tapert, give us what we want, a new season." The fans are ushered out. The hostess asks that the interruption be excused. Dr. Delaney continues. He announces that Xena was married to Ares, God of War. A reporter man says, "We've got a front page story." A woman dressed in a gray suit stands up. "Barb Binder from Whoosh! As webmaster of the official Xena fan site, I happen to know Xena would never subscribe to the subjugating regime of marriage." Delaney goes on to explain that the new find includes a scroll and a contract. He says the events take place after Gabrielle and Hope perish. Scenes from Sacrifice II. He says the events take place after Adventures in the Sin Trade II and before A Family Affair. He explains that the vision Xena received in Adventures in the Sin Trade II (cue cross deaths footage) convinced Xena that Gabrielle was alive. After Xena rides back from the Amazon land of the dead .... Back in the past: Joxer drinks a lot. Xena comes in, all happy, and tells Joxer that Gabrielle is alive, she had a vision. Joxer doesn't believe her. They argue about it. Joxer says no one could have survived that fall. Xena says well, you stay here and be drunk, "I'm going out to find our friend." Joxer falls on his head. Xena walks through the woods; Joxer staggers behind. He slurs his Joxer the Mighty song. Present day: A reporter stands up; it's Annie from Deja Vu All Over Again. She says she's with the Joxer the Mighty Quarterly. One of the fans, who have snuck back in, says, "It's the broad who discovered she was Joxer in a previous life." Annie says she knows Joxer initiated the search. Delaney disputes that and says that Joxer never once flexed a heroic muscle. The press conference takes a break. The fans approach Annie and ask what happened to Harry and Mattie. She says they got married and she cries about it. Back in the past: Joxer tells Xena he's decided to take up scroll writing, like Gabrielle. He reads some of his work and Xena isn't overly impressed. She excuses herself to go behind the trees. "Gabrielle, we're not doing so good without you," she says. Ares appears. He says he picked up some information on Gabrielle. Xena says Ares is as much to blame for Gabrielle's leap to her death as Hope is. Ares tells Xena she needs the help of a friendly god. If Gabrielle's out there, he's her best bet, he says. Then he says he can't help himself, he has to express his true feelings for Xena. So he gets down on a one knee and asks Xena to marry him. Xena pauses and then kicks him over. She says, "I despise you. You've been tormenting me for years." Ares calls that foreplay. They fight. Ares tells Xena he'll give her Gabrielle as a wedding gift if she'll marry him. He says he'll find Gabrielle but he won't look unless Xena agrees to a wedding. The he says he will marry her in front of the Fates. Joxer later wants to know what the big deal is about being married in front of the Fates. Xena tells him that makes the bond eternal and unbreakable, and also Ares couldn't hurt any of Xena's family or anyone she cares about. Joxer then asks Xena if she is seriously considering Ares' offer of marriage. "I'll do whatever it takes to get Gabrielle back," Xena says. That night, Xena is awakened by Gabrielle's voice. Gabrielle says she's in Xena's heart, and Xena shouldn't look for her. Xena gets up and finds Joxer doing a Gabrielle imitation to keep Xena from continuing her quest. Present Day: Harry and Mattie come home from a trip to Greece. Harry has gas from eating goat cheese. Mattie gets the mail and says there is a letter from CHAKRAM; the conference is today about this new scroll found in the Ionian Sea. Harry says if the scroll is what he thinks it is, there will be trouble, "Let's go pumpkin," he says. They get in a Jeep. Past: Xena calls out for Ares. He pops in. Xena says "I would do anything to get my friend back, so yes, I'll marry you." Ares tells Xena she won't regret her decision. Xena says she wants the ceremony at the lava pit. She says it is only fitting that she be as close as possible to the person she is supposed to spend her life with while she marries the one person she would never choose. Joxer is in the bar again. He calls out for Ares. He finally calls Ares a jelly b*tt and the god appears. Ares wants to kill Joxer, but Joxer says this is his bachelor party. He calls out Miss Athens, Miss Mesopotamia, and Miss Gaul. Ares says, is this it? He is about ready to go "poof" again when a big cake rolls in. Meg pops out and does a little dance in her barely theres. Ares leaves. Joxer tells Meg that a "classy lady" like her shouldn't be popping out of cakes. He says he'll take care of her. Meg says, what about that other woman you like. Joxer says she's dead. Meg says she'll drink to that. Dead is dead, can't change that. Present: Mattie and Harry enter the press conference. They sit behind Annie, who is still sore at Harry for leaving her for Mattie. Harry says they are in big trouble; he knows how this is going to end, he says, "Don't ruin it for me, I hate it when people blab the spoilers," Annie says. Harry says that Ares might show up. Cut to a guy on a motorcycle. Past: Xena looks at a bridal gown. Joxer comes in. He tells Xena she looks beautiful. He asks her if she really is going through with this. Xena says she doesn't know what else to do. Joxer says Xena must really believe Gabrielle is alive then. Okay, he does too, now. Joxer apologizes for drowning his sorrows in his wine. Then he gives Xena a lock of Gabrielle's hair (something old), a freshly picked flower (something new), and a rabbit's foot (something borrowed). He says he is the "something blue." Xena hugs him and says everyone is going to be fine. The Fates appear. Ares waits. Xena walks in, dressed in wedding finery. The Fates say the union will be enteral and unbreakable by gods or mortals. They call the bride and groom "eternal partners." Both say I do -- but then Xena says, "NOT." Xena grabs something and runs away. Joxer says she's going the wrong direction. Ares says "this is embarrassing." Xena runs to the mouth of the lava pit. Scenes from Sacrifice II again. Ares tells Xena to stop. Joxer comes up, too. Xena tells Gabrielle she's coming and jumps into the pit. Joxer yells out "No!" He pulls a sword on Ares, who disappears. Xena falls. Ares catches her at the bottom. He poofs them back to the forest. Xena says she knows that Ares had something to do with saving Gabrielle and Hope. He had to save Hope; she was carrying his child. He saved Gabrielle because he thought she'd make a good bargaining chip. Ares tells Xena he made a deal with Gabrielle and has her soul. The deal was Gabrielle's soul in exchange for saving Hope. Xena says, you want my soul. Ares say yeah, that'd work. He'd let Gabrielle live. But Xena must be his wife in the next life. Xena says and you'll let Gabrielle and me live out this life in peace. Ares agrees. They put their thumbprints on a contract. Ares says he let Gabrielle go, but Xena has to find her. Xena says she will. Ares then asks Xena what would have happened if he'd asked for her hand in marriage without all the strings. Xena kisses him passionately. She tells him he'll never know. Ares leaves. Xena has the contract. Present: Delaney, in a voice over of clips from AFA, explains that then Xena found Gabrielle and she sent the scroll to the bottom of the sea. "Ares never did locate the scroll, and we got to it first." A motorcycle roars into the room, breaking down the door. Harry's feet are shown in the bathroom, pants down around his ankles. Ares makes things and people disappear, and goes for the scroll. Mattie and Annie intervene. Ares laughs, "the sidekick and the comic relief." He knocks them away. He gets the scroll. Harry comes back into the room. Harry fights Ares and gets knocked out. Annie and Mattie lean over him. Ares puts his thumb on the original thumbprint. The soul of Xena emerges from Harry. Ares says that will not work, so he says okay, everyone's soul go where it belongs. He does the thumbprint thing again and Xena emerges from Annie, Joxer from Harry, and Gabrielle from Mattie and then they merge with the bodies. Xena fights with Ares. Ares asks Gabrielle how it feels to lose Xena forever, when she gave up her soul for her. Gabrielle attacks Ares. Joxer attacks Ares. Xena attacks Ares. They fight. Ares starts throwing little fireballs. One of the fans asks how come the effects are so cheesy. Xena gets the scroll. Ares grabs Xena by the throat. Ares throws more fireballs. Xena holds out the scroll and one of the fireballs burns the scroll up. "Ares made it, Ares destroyed it," Xena says. Ares says it ain't over and he disappears. Joxer pulls his head out from the wall where it had become lodged some time ago. Xena goes to Joxer and makes sure he is all right, while Gabrielle disentangles herself from some chairs. Gabrielle goes to Xena and says no matter how hard Ares tries, he's never been able to break us up. They walk off together. Xena tells Gabrielle she liked her better as a blond but she likes the new look. As Cameras and reporters follow there is a close-up of the C.H.A.K.R.A.M. logo and the scene fades out.